Camouflage compression socks

I have to wear compression socks all day each day. They hurt and are uncomfortable. It is because I am taking steroids. I have also grown big grayish-white colonel sanders sideburns. I have gained weight and am hungry all the time. I have white furry hairs growing on the tops of my arms. Steroids have camouflaged me into someone I do not recognize. Bloated. It’s depressing.

Every day I have to make choices about how handicapped I want to be. This morning I woke up to painful severe muscle spasms in my hands and thumbs. I have to decide to use the handicap bars or just get up from toilets and such. Everything is harder for me now. But still I do not want to die.
“And so, what is death? It is simply the decussation of manifestation. Followed by other manifestations. In the winter time, we do not see the dragonflies and butterflies. So, we think everything is dead. (THICH Nhat Hahn)”

“Mystery achievement “ by the pretenders
Don’t breathe down my neck no 
I got no trophies on display 
I sign them away 
I mean what the heck 
All of your promises 
Don’t fill me with pride no 
I just wanna get out on the floor 
And do the Cuban slide, slide, slide, slide
But every day, every nighttime I find 
Mystery achievement 
You’re on my mind 
And every day, every nighttime I feel 
Mystery achievement you’re so unreal
Mystery achievement 
Where’s my sandy beach? Yeah 
I had my dreams like everybody else 
But they’re out of reach 
I said right out of reach 
I could ignore you 
Your demands are unending 
I got no tears on my ice cream but you know me 
I love pretending
But every day, every nighttime I find 
Mystery achievement 
You’re on my mind 
And every day, every nighttime I feel 
Mystery achievement you’re so unreal

I should be gardening. Or I should be making a cherry pie. Going to make chicken parm tonight. I make great chicken parm. Two hours before and after my chemo pills, I cannot eat. I have taken two weed gummies today. I was hoping it would help with my hand pain. I think I might need and ice pack and some Tylenol. I spend too much money on writing supplies. Australian Greenwood journals and Kawenco and Benu pens. I have lost my mind.

Joyce Carol Oates has written novellas lately. This page is a reoccurring nightmare I keep having. When I was around eight years old—it was the 1970s. Two men on PCP BROKE INTO OUR HOUSE QND TRIED TO KLL US. ONE MQN KICKED Q HOLE IN THE FRONT DOOR and Come IN. MY PQRENTWS BOTH HQD GUNS, BUT DID NOT WANT TO SHOOT EQCH OTHER. MY FATHER TRIED TO PISTOL WHIP THE GUY. HE KEPT SCREEAMING A “HIT ME again” The other guy went around to tht4 backyard and killed our dog, a boxer named Sparky. After this, I was afraid of the dark. I slept with the lights on. Mostly I slept in my brother’s room. A few months later, the men killed a family near my favorite part in my favorite book, A Thousand Plateaus by Deleuze and Guattarian is the section about novellas.

“Dance this mess around” is my favorite song

Remember when you held my hand
Say, remember when you were my man
Walk, talk in the name of love
Before you break my heart
Think it over
Roll it over in your mind 
Why don’t you dance with me?
I’m not no Limburger
Why don’t you dance with me?
I’m not no Limburger
Oh say, why don’t you dance with me?
I’m not no Limburger
Just a limber girl
Just a limber girl
Just a limber girl
Just a limber girl
Dance this mess around
Dance this mess around, ’round, ’round, ’round, ’round
Everybody goes to parties
They dance this mess around
They do all sixteen dances
They do the Shu-ga-loo
Do the Shy Tuna
Do the Camel Walk
Do the Hip-O-Crit 
Ah, hippy hippy forward
Hippy hippy hippy hippy hippy shake
Oh, it’s time to do ’em right
Hey, so doesn’t that make you feel a whole lot better, huh? (Huh?)
Say, doesn’t that make you feel a lot better?
What you say?
Well, I’m just askin’
Come on
Shake
Ooh, oh oh (shake)
Shake
Ooh, oh oh (shake)
Shake
Ooh, oh oh 
Everybody goes to parties
They dance this mess around
They do all sixteen dances
They do Coo-ca-choo
Do the Aqua Velva
Do the Dirty Dog
Do the Escalator
Ah, hippy hippy forward
Hippy hippy hippy hippy hippy shake
Oh, it’s time to do ’em right
Hey, so Fred, doesn’t that make you feel a whole lot better? (Huh?)
Say, doesn’t that make you feel a lot better?
What you say?
Well, I’m just askin’
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Stop, dance on over
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Dance, dance this mess around
Dance this mess around
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Dance this mess around
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Songwriters: Cindy Wilson / Fred Schneider / Kate Pierson / Keith Strickland / Ricky Wilson

George Floyd being murdered changed my life forever. I feel destroyed by his death.
I do not know how the world will recover from his death.

“Cocklust. BODYLUST. Split it apart. Fucklust. ISOLATION LUST. DESTRUCTIONLUST.
I watch the body sleep for hours. I lose track of myself and the sun sets. Still the body remains. I CN’T BE SUREE IF THE BODY is a body, and not q projection of my own isolate- desperation. I CAN’T [t be sure rth4e body is not q hallucinatory. My mind is flat. I NEVER WANT TO LEQVE. I have survived without food.ai have come on the wall in front of me multiple times.” M. kitchell from Spiritual instrument.

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